Would You Rather

If you were going to be eaten by a giant, would you rather be swallowed whole, have your most delicious parts eaten and the rest thrown away, or be somewhat eaten and then have the rest of your parts made into a coat and other useful things (like the Indians did)?

I would pick the first one. If farm animals were good-humored about their fate they could have great conversations about this.

The Distant Future

Ever since I was a little kid I've tried to imagine what the future would be like. Everyone does. Will we have hover cars? Holographic TVs? Houses that clean themselves? Tonight at Christmas, while listening to my grandmother try to keep up in a conversation about the Internet, I realized what the future will be like. There will be incredible technological advancements. Our children will love them, we will be too old to understand them. Once you hit 50 that's it, that's all the technology you're going to understand for the rest of your life.

PS The conversation was about how I wrote a script for Collegehumor. The conversation was something like this:
Grandma: Is that for the–what is that–the Internet?
Me: Yup.
Grandma: Oh, well I can't watch that, obviously. You can record it and show it to me.

Hat Update

(read this post first)
I heard back from the site I e-mailed within hours. An employee named Heidi informed me that since I brightened her day with my tale of woe that they would amend the site and ship to the US for me. I was very excited and went to order the hat immediately, except the site still didn't offer the US as an option in the drop down menu for shipping. I began to worry after several days went by. Then, after four days they did fixed it for me and I ordered two hats. Yay! Now I'll have a back up if I stick my head out a moving car window again.

All it takes to get what you want is a little humor and a little charm.

I kind of tried to repeat the process with a jacket I bought last year that has holes in it. I'm very picky and don't want to find a new jacket I like. Unfortunately, the jacket doesn't exist anywhere on the Internet. I must have the only surviving one.

Also, thanks to the commenter who said she'd give me her hat. That was nice of you, but I was raised in the 90s and I'm still under the impression that everyone on the Internet is trying to molest me. Thanks anyway.

Yay Sweden!

Sometimes I sit around on myspace music and look for new bands. I just go from band to band, clicking on their friends searching for god knows what. I almost always find something awesome, and they're always Swedish. I don't know what the connection is.

Here is the band I found Saturday that I love already: Hemstad. There are no words at all, just fun, exciting swedish music.

My favorite song is called "Mitt Hjarta Brinner for Dig." The title means something. I don't know what. The song is not on their page, but you can listen to it on what I assume is their record labels page: La Bulle Sonore Records.

So Determined

I just sent this e-mail:

From: kevin at collegehumor dot com
Subject: I really, really want a hat
Date: November 28, 2007 1:35:09 AM EST
To: info at surfskateonline dot com, deliveries at surfskateonline dot com

Hi,

I'm e-mailing your company to ask a favor. I really, really want to buy a Billabong olive green mash-style cap. Surfskateonline is the only place I've been able to find one on the whole internet (I seriously just looked for like 2 hours). The problem is that I live in the US and see that you don't ship here. I hope that you will reconsider after reading of my tale of woe.

Last year around this time I was wrapping up 5 months studying abroad in Sydney, Australia. I'm not one for souvenirs, but I picked up one of the previously mentioned hats as a memento. It became a staple of my wardrobe. I wore it daily, well, at least weekly. It was the only hat I have ever owned that fit well with my naturally afro-y hair and it served as a reminder of my good times in AUS where I learned to surf.

The following year went well. I graduated college. I got a sweet job. I had a cool hat. Things didn't get shaky until a road trip to Toronto at the end of October. My friends and I went to compete in the Rock, Paper, Scissors World Championship. I came in the top 128. No big deal. Next year I'm going to win the championship. On our drive home my friend Rob discovered that it's hard to sing with your head out the car window. In a moment of brilliance, I stuck my head out the window to try and my beloved hat flew clean off my head. That wasn't the end of it though. Nope. We turned around and ran across a busy six lane freeway to save it. It got run over by at least one car, but that only added to it's character/sentimental value.

Last week I went to embark on another great road trip, hat-on-head. Yet somehow this time the hat vanished as soon as the trip started and I have no leads to it's whereabouts. Now, like a man whose dog just died, I am scrambling to replace it so I can forget the first one is gone and move on with my life.

I will totally pay whatever the shipping is to have it sent here, and would be willing to throw in a couple extra dollars because I'm desperate.

Please help me surfskateonline.com, you're my only hope.

If you do this, I will be your best friend.

Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaassseeeeee!

Love,

Kevin Corrigan
Kevin at collegehumor dot com
+1(###)###-####

It's all true. Just to give you an idea, here is a picture of me fresh off the plane back from Australia wearing the hat.

See how happy I am? And tan? And in shape? And how white my teeth are?


It will be mine again. Oh yes. It will be mine again.

Doppleganger

So apparently Whiskerino has a fan site of sorts called Vaginarino. It's a site where girls who can't grow beards go and imitate Whiskerino pictures. I found it today and was blown away to find out that my Whiskerino picture from yesterday was the first picture they copied! I'm so honored! Stuff like this only happens on the internet.

Check it out
The original
Vaginarino version

It looks like they even used the same teapot.

This One's Funny!

I haven't laughed this hard at a video in a long time. I legitimately laugh out loud every time I see it.

Goodbye Face

I'm participating in this year's Whiskerino contest. That means no shaving for four months! Thanks to Casey from Vimeo for bringing this to my attention. I'm excited!

Check me out on Whiskerino, I will be uploading new pictures nearly every day (in theory).

Honesty

Sometime in college I decided that being honest was funny. It worked for a while, then it gradually became apart of the way I act all the time. Sometimes something mean will just slip out. As a result, I had this exchange today after running into a girl I used to work with after two years:

Girl: So what are you doing now?
Kevin: I work at Connected Ventures, Collegehumor
Girl: That sounds fun!
Kevin: It is. What do you do?
Girl: I work at an investment banking firm
Kevin: Oh, that sounds boring.

By far the best thing I've ever said to anyone happened when I was still in high school (and it had nothing to do with honesty). I was at the beach with friends. One of my friends had started flirting with a very cute girl and it was going well. My group of friends and hers were meshing a bit and I was kind of keeping to myself because I'm shy or something. The cute girl my friend was flirting with came over to me and we had this brief conversation:

CGMFWFW: So, why are you so quiet?
Kevin: I'm scared of you.
CGMFWFW: Scared of me? Why?
Kevin: Because you're so ...

We need to pause here. Now, I was clearly joking from the beginning. Right here I was searching my mind for a word that meant muscley. I was stumped for a minute, then I thought I had it.

Kevin: Because you're so butch.
CGMFWFW: Ugh!

I immediately realized that tough and butch were not the same thing and tried to correct myself, but it was too late. My friend never heard from her again.

That One's a Keeper

Justin at CV has been taking incredible pictures of everyone at work (like this one) for a project he's doing. I love it! Ted and I need to start a band now so we can use this.

Rock and F-wording Roll

I got a new guitar today! It's a Gretsch Electromatic hollow-body electric. I've yet to name her.

Nerd Alert

I'm currently reformatting my windows PC for the sole purpose of running Half Life 2 better. I know how cool that sounds.

Also, in the most recent edition of the CV inter-office newsletter I included this joke, which I don't think anyone got, but I think is really funny.

01000010011001010010000001110011011101010111001001100101
0010000001110100011011110010000001100100011100100110100
1011011100110101100100000011110010110111101110101011100100
01000000100111101110110011000010110110001110100011010010
110111001100101

(click here for online decoder pin)

Aftermath

Today's Bet on Vimeo.

The diabetes I was referring to in my last post was after I completed a bet involving eating a half pound of a 2 pound orange, milk-chocolate pumpkin for $50. Four CVers attempted it, I was the only one who didn't puke.

Ow, my kidneys

I never believed it was possible to get "sugar high" until right at this moment. I hope I don't get diabetes.

Everyone has a roommate story

How Many Classes Are You Going To Fail This Semester?

My freshman year roommate was a monster. I don't mean he was mean. He was fat and he smelled. If the pillsbury dough boy smelled like arm-pits instead of muffins, and shopped at Hot Topic you'd have Greg (name changed), my old roommate. Somewhere inside of Greg was a good guy, but he was inconsiderate and in no way ready to live away from home.

Around mid-terms of our first semester Greg realized that he had missed too many classes and tests to pass anything. He spoke with his advisor and they decided the best course of action would be for him to take a leave of absence. This meant he wouldn't get any credits and it wouldn't affect his GPA. I was happy because it meant he would leave school and I'd have the room to myself for half a semester. At least, that's what should have happened.

Fearing backlash and disappointment, Greg decided not tell his parents that he used their tuition money to sleep and play Magic: the Gathering. The school forgot to kick him off campus, too. I spent the rest of the semester with a roommate who slept from 10 am to 8 pm and watched anime and played video games during the hours when a normal human being (me) would be sleeping. My dislike for him grew steadily as time went by. I made a point not to even speak to him for the majority of the second semester.

Greg didn't come back to school for his sophomore year. As far as I know he dropped out to train to be a cop, like his dad. I don't know how people that out of shape can pass a fitness test so I'm not sure what actually ended up happening to him.

I mention Greg now because he seems to keep popping up in the CollegeHumor Quiz column I write. At least he was good for something.

It was true that I could tell if he was in the room or not before I opened the door by the smell.

Zippers and Flys

Right across the street from the Port Authority is a billboard that I don't get. It's been there since the first day I interned at CV. Every morning I walk out of the bus terminal and the city greets me with a massive billboard for YKK zippers. I could go on and on about how I'm not sure who they're advertising to, and why I don't think people by pants based on the zipper brand, but ...

Today I wore an old pair of jeans to work that are notorious for letting the fly fall open without my knowledge. Twice I caught myself walking around zipper agape, bold blue homer simpson boxers triumphantly peaking their head out from inside my pants. Now I think I understand and, upon further inspection, the zipper that keeps betraying me was made by YKK.

Look at me!

I shaved my mustache. I no longer look French, or like a Confederate soldier.

Veggie-science

Dog breeders are getting pretty good at mixing old kinds of dogs to make new dogs, but I still can't order up a delicious cucumbamatoe salad for lunch. Why? Get with the program botanists!

Other fruit/vegetable combinations I would like science to invent

• kiwi-melon (like a kiwi, but bigger!)
• blackberry-melon (like a blackberry, but way bigger)
• Cucumber-melon (it's the best candle smell, why can't I eat it?)
• Meatball-berry (bite-size meatballs that grow on meatball bushes)
• Potatana (Banana shaped potatoes, good for making big-ass french fries!)
• Carrotchoke (Artichokes are a pain in the butt to eat, let's make them shaped like carrots)
• Pumponut (somewhere in between coconut and pumpkin, not sure how it works yet)
• Ice zucchini-cream (like zucchini, but more like ice cream and not gross!)
  
• pine-apple (LOL)

I can't sleep

If modern science finds a cure for cancer, will smoking still be considered a self-destructive habit?

Dancing in the street

A co-worker of mine goes around the world dancing and videotaping it. Friday night a bunch of us from CV all danced in Times Square. It was fun.



Davey Dance Blog -34- TIMES SQUARE - Muse - "Time Is Running Out" from Pheasant Plucker and Vimeo.

Lip Dub: Don't Stop Me Now - Queen

Car Dub Attempt #1: Don't Stop Me Now - Queen from Kevin Corrigan on Vimeo.

Pepsi Ice Cucumber Is Delicious

Pepsi Ice Cucumber Taste Test from Kevin Corrigan on Vimeo.

IT'S HERE!

Will update later with video.

Take that, cancer, herpes and the common cold!

While in 7-11 today, I saw the greatest tabloid headline of all time. I know they make ridiculous claims all the time, but this issue of The Sun was extra special. It read:

New Pill Cures Every Disease

I can just picture a '50s style dad walking in, reading the headline and taking out his pipe just long enough to say "Well it's about time!"

Guess who spent $15 on a bottle of soda!

So you may have read somewhere recently that Pepsi was doing a limited test-release of a new "cucumber ice" flavor of soda in Japan. Thanks to ebay, I should have a bottle in 2-3 weeks. I can't wait!

So close!

My Vimeo account is now the #3 result for Kevin Corrigan on google.

The best laid plans of mice and Kevin

It's hard to eat right in NYC, especially when you're really busy. I've been eating like shit since I started at CV in May. I haven't been getting fat, but I'm certainly getting un-fit. I decided to do something about it while I was half-asleep in bed Sunday night. I decided I would eat nothing but healthy food for three months. I picked three months arbitrarily, but it seemed like the right amount of time.

I completely forgot my plan on Monday and had a baconator for lunch (from Wendy's... so good.) On Wednesday I ordered a veggie tuna club thinking club meant lettuce and tomato and ended up with more bacon.

My plan hasn't been going well, but it's been a delicious week.

Progress

It's been a long-time goal of mine to surpass the actor Kevin Corrigan as the top result on google when you search for my name. I'm making progress. My iPhone article is now #9.

Dancing in the subway

Davey Dance Blog - 28 - NYC MTA - The Sunshine Underground - from Pheasant Plucker and Vimeo.

New Vimeo by me

Office Duel from Kevin Corrigan and Vimeo.

People get paid to write this stuff

I'm researching an article and I stumbled onto the wikipedia page for Coke slogans. It lists every Coke slogan since 1886. Highlights:

• 1886 - Drink Coca-Cola
• 1906 - The great national temperance beverage
• 1926 - It had to be good to get where it is
• 1928 - Coca-Cola ... pure drink of natural flavors
• 1929 - The pause that refreshes
  
• 1939 - Coca-Cola goes along
• 1942 - The only thing like Coca-Cola is Coca-Cola itself
• 1952 - What you want is a Coke
  

The Peanut-Butter Solution

I go through a lot of hairstyles, both on my face and on my head. The following is a visual history of my hair since I started at CV in May, by request.

End of May 2007

Approx. one month later (by accident)

One day later

July 3

July 11

July 23 (current)

Professionalism, Please

From the discussion section of the Nickelback Wikipedia page, under the heading "Some Professionalism, Please":

"Nickelfart is a Canadian retard band formed in your mom , Alberta"

Another Video

A couple weeks ago my coworker Jake and I were talking about how awesome the Avril Lavigne song "Girlfriend" is. Shortly after, Avril-fever spread to most of the office. I'm leaving out a few steps, but this video: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1766123 is the end result. It's awesome!

This is by far the greatest thing ever to come out of my taste for terrible pop songs.

P.S. You should watch the video because a lot of people put a lot of work into it, and I'm in it!

CV Intern Lip Dub

CV Intern Lip Dub - Lump on Vimeo.

Fun!

There's Waldo!

One of the dumbest things I've ever done:

When I was in elementary school I had a Where's Waldo book. I enjoyed finding Waldo, it was fun. At that time in my adolescence I thought it would be a good idea to take a pen and draw a big dark circle around Waldo on each page. That way, when I looked at the book in the future, I wouldn't have to find Waldo. I could just look at the page, see where Waldo was and move on. Fun, right?

Years later, I realized my mistake.

Guitar Lightning

I'll admit it, I'm a little late with this whole Guitar Hero thing. Anyway, I was playing Guitar Hero 2 tonight and after finishing a stage the virtual audience began chanting for an encore. The game then gave me 3-4 yes or no prompts where it asked me things like "Are you really ready to play 'Freebird?'" and "Are you sure you're a guitar hero?" Well, I wasn't about to dissapoint my fans, so I answered "yes" over and over again. When I finally won the game's trust, and the song was about to begin ...

... the power went out.

@ work

"I am required to tell you by our sexual harassment policy that you don't have to do this, but can you take off your shirt?"

Fun disney history

Just doing some research for an article I'm editing and stumbled upon this awesome page with a Disney employee manual from 1943.

There are crazy people everywhere

Today while waiting in line to get a bagel in Union Square I overheard the following. Note that all of these statements were announced loudly, in a very frustrated manner. Also note that this woman was by herself.

"So slow. I spend my whole life waiting in line."

"I'm so sick of everything"

(other similar comments)

At this point she got to the front of the line.

Bagel guy: How you doin' today?

Crazy lady: Terrible. Walnut raisin muffin. That's it.

I want to be a viking when I die

According to the Wikipedia article for "Valhalla"

The main gate is called Valgrind, which is described in Grímnismál as a "sacred gate", behind which are the "holy doors" and "there are few who can tell the manner by which it is locked". The hall itself has 540 doors, so wide that 800 warriors could walk through side-by-side. It is said that there is room enough for all those chosen. Here, every day, the slain warriors who will assist Odin in Ragnarök, the gods' final conflict with the giants, arm themselves for battle and ride forth by the thousands to engage in mock combat on the plains of Asgard. Those who die in the combat will be brought back to life. At night, they return to Valhalla to feast on roasted boar (Sæhrímnir) and drink intoxicating drink.

The vikings had the manliest version of heaven ever.

Graduation

Yesterday I graduated from college.

This morning I woke up at the same time I did yesterday. I was groggy and confused. When I looked at the clock the only conclusion that I could come to was that I dreamed graduation day, and that I had to sit through the whole thing again. I didn't hate going to graduation the first time, but the idea listening to all of the commencement speakers in a hot robe for hours again just horrified me. I calmed down when I looked around and realized I was in my parents house and not my townhouse at school. Then I went back to sleep.

H-Dawg RIP

The Onion killed off my favorite (fictional) columnist this week. I'm pretty upset about it.

Check out Herbert Kornfeld's columns

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Herbery Kornfeld, or the H-Dawg as he liked to be called, he was a badass accountant who lived to crunch numbers. He was a good man. Now his shortie, Baby Prince H Tha Stone Col' Dopest Biz-ook-kihzeepin' Muthafukkin' Badass Supastar Kornfeld Tha Second, will grow up without a father figure.

Here are some of my favorite H-Dawg columns:
A Motivation Seminizar
A Day Off? Sheeit
I Gots To Represent At Tha Muthafuckin' Company Picnic

RIP H-Dawg, I hope you're with CPA-ONE in heaven now.

New blog

From now on bostonmolasses.blogspot.com will be restricted to actual articles. This will be my blog for more eclectic miscellany.